Saturday, 23 July 2011

Sometimes It hurts It REALLY hurts!

Just lately I have come to realise that maybe you can't please all the people all of the time. I used to think I had to keep everyone happy and neglect myself. What people thought of me was more important than what I thought of myself (I am trying to get out of this way of thinking). This is in some part because of the way my mum has treated me: 'You will only get rejected in the end then what will you do?", "You can't go out dressed like that!!", "They told you at school you would amount to nothing". etc...etc...I have always tried to please her, but failed because I think that is an impossible dream. she even thought my grade B for my first year of my degree was "average', even though I don't even have a grade higher than a E for my GCSE's
Well I have discovered that some people you give the benefit of the doubt to turn out not to be friends at all. This isn't the first time it has happened to me. I recently met some new people who I thought ok we have one thing in common and they seem friendly enough. I exchanged the odd text message with them and enquire after them as you do with friends, not in a nosey, nasty or vindictive way but just asking in a friendly way. Then in a purely childish way these texts have been passed on to another person and twisted in a way that makes me seem like I hate this person. which I don't in any way. I am starting to have second thoughts about their intentions.
I have never been one to be angry or bitter or hold grudges, not for long anyway! I am certainly willing to give people a second chance, but I am having second thoughts about this.
I asked one of my mates "What is it that I have done to make these people HATE me so much?". I have only know them a short while and they really have no reason to do so!
I was asked by someone several times if I was ok? I said no not really and I didn't want to stick around. I mentioned that someone had 'pissed me off" and their reply was rise above it, which was a hard fight let me tell you. I think I just about got away with it! They asked if I was ok again at the end of the night I said 'yes', but of course this was a lie. I spent the whole night trying to hold back tears even the drinking was no consolation! I REALLY know I should not let these sort people affect me as they are not really my friends, I guess I have to learn the hard way! No doubt this will reach those people somehow, they can draw their own conclusion, I really don't care. I am not going to waste my time on them anymore! I will try and move on from it, but it will be hard! I've been through enough. So if I talk alot about myself it's nothing to do with "loving myself too much". It's the opposite. Don't ask me to explain I don't really understand myself..Yes I REALLY don't understand MYSELF, ME!
I know I probably do get on my real friends nerves sometimes and I am grateful they have stuck around for me. I HOPE I am there for them too! Even if it is just a shoulder to cry on or a nice coffee and cake!!
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2 comments:

  1. premierludwig28 July 2011 at 19:48

    I'm sure you remember how I used to feel about the way your mother always squashed your self esteem. That's why I'd insist on you staying at mine when you found things tough, because I didn't want her pushing you into giving in when you'd gone so far. I am *so* proud of you for making your own way in the world and sticking it out in Liddy. :)

    I absolutely understand what it's like to try and keep all the people around you happy and neglect yourself in the process. That's why I had to move back to Yorkshire, cos I'd done it to a damaging extent. When mum arrived and saw the state I was in, starved down below a size 6 she bundled me off home with her to try and get me better. She's still keeping an eye on me now. I'm lucky that she understands my weaknesses and tries to prop me up but is forever trying to persuade me of what I'm good at. I wish you had that from your mum.

    I've slowly learnt that if I look after myself better, I have more of myself to give when people really need me. I'm no use to anyone if I've wrecked myself. Hence I hibernate so much these days. I'm a delicate little thing really even though I pretend to be so resiliant. I can seem like a tower of strength when friends need me, but I can rarely hold myself together most days. But like I said, if I'm ever needed I find the strength from somewhere to do what needs to be done.

    As for the nasty people, stuff them. Who needs people like that? I'm a big believer in having clear outs in your life where you ditch the people who do you harm. The friends I've retained over many long years are deeply treasured (like you and Zara for instance) and the ones I've ditched are thought of with relief that they're not in my life anymore.

    You haven't done anything to encourage these people to be horrid to you, they're just horrid people and you're kind enough to give them the benefit of the doubt and let them get close. If you watch these people from a safe distance you'll see that the crowd they keep are all into hurting each other. I've seen it so many times and I don't understand that at all. I don't get what they get out of it. My friends are kind, nurturing people who are there for the people they care about. We would never waste our valuable time trying to hurt someone. It doesn't make any sense.

    Anyway, you stay exactly the way you are. Know that you must be fabulous to have *nice* people care about you.

    As for talking about yourself. You're not doing it in a narcissistic way, you're a creative mind and an expressive person, you can't not express yourself, it would be wrong. Thankfully, it's normal behaviour these days, otherwise blogs and livejournal wouldn't be so popular. ;)

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  2. LiverBirdArt30 July 2011 at 13:14

    Thank you for your kind words they mean A LOT to me xx

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